A letter to my mother

I want to tell you how much I love you. How much I already miss you so deeply. How that this loss is so heavy and palpable. How I will never be the same again without you....

I am so incredibly blessed to have you. I have been with you every step of this journey. Why you had to go through this journey? We will never know. There are countless times I wish I could've traded places with you. I thought I was younger, stronger, and maybe could've beat this ugly disease. But I am not stronger than you. You are the strongest person I have ever known. 

I have sat there with you and begged and pleaded God. I sat there with you when you cried you were not ready. I'm not ready either. I will never be ready.

You are irreplaceable to me. I find it hard to have happiness in my life right now. I often think how I am half of you, so I carry half of your heart. You were there with me when I gave birth to my children. And then you helped me raise them. No day will ever go by that they won't ever hear your name. I have surrounded myself with you. I cling to my pictures and memories so desperately. 

This emptiness is inexplicable. It is such a deep grieving loss that I can't even put words to it. All I can do is feel it. I will never stop mourning you. I will continue to talk to you every day just like I always have. I will miss your healthy face and smile. I will miss you stopping by just to see me and my girls. Our lunch dates. Our phone calls. There is not one object that doesn't bring a remembrance of you. That is how much you have impacted me, impacted my heart, impacted my soul...

I know you will be in glory with God. I have comfort in that. But all my selfishness wants you here, in this temporary life. I can't live this life without you. I need you so much. We are left here to feel this despair. I will always feel it. 

Go be the glorious angel that you will be. You never faltered in your faith. For that, I hope God blesses you with riches in heaven. 

I have been robbed. Time has been stolen from us. It is so incredibly unfair. 

Mom, I will see you again. I know I will. Sometimes I would like to join you... Watch over me mom, guide me please. Let me know you are with me... I love you so much, it's immeasurable. 

Goodbye my beautiful mother. 

Little goals for the month of L <3 V E

It's February already. I feel like the days are just flying by because of all the busyness going around in our lives. It's a good thing time goes by fast, but it's also a terrible thing. What's great is it gets closer and closer to spring each and every day. However, I feel like my mothers time is limited so time is running out more and more. I just don't know what to think about her health anymore. I know what's going to happen, but we just have no idea when. There are so many ups and downs. But the good thing is that she has been feeling much better lately. 

We decided to make many little goals for her. We made it to their wedding anniversary without any major issues, and now we're looking forward to Valentine's Day without any changes in her health. She truly is the strongest woman I know. Any other person according to the text books would not live this far into the disease. All the literature I read said that almost a staggering 95% of patients die after three months of having malignant ascites. Here we are and it's February. She was diagnosed in September 2014. She may look weak, tired, and a crippled person on the outside, but on the inside she is so internally brave and strong. She just keeps marching on - some days are good and some days are bad.

We're trying to stay stable in our house these days. We continue to revolve our lives around her which is the way it should be. Other little projects are happening. We finally have a contractor in to do our bathroom. It is a well needed update. I have been busy around the house getting other odds and ends done. Finally, it feels like the house is getting pulled together for the last few of obnoxious tasks. The bathrooms were a high anxiety stressor for me. Mainly because we only have one full bath and to go without it for a week just gives me palpitations. But now that we've hired a professional who can do it quickly, I feel better about the situation. Yes the cost is higher, but it's worth the stress and aggravation in my life at this point. Photos will come to follow that transformation.

Other updates in our lives consists of Isla talking up a storm. She has become a little chatterbox. Making sentences, saying obscure thoughts out loud, and putting them all together. She's having a blast in preschool. Stellie is up cruising around and even running these days! I caught her climbing up the couch today. We're not big celebrators a Valentine's Day, but in light of the many little goals we're trying to reach, this one will be extra special this year. As a matter of fact, everything is much more special all the time. It shouldn't take a tragedy to make us feel that way, but we get so lost in the daily grind. 

Other photos from February 2015

Living in the land of little princesses. These girls love to dress up!

We have recently become very obsessed with frozen!

And building snowmen!

We had a blizzard weekend! 

...Which happened to be on Super Bowl Sunday! It was kind of a bummer since we hosted the past two years and expected to host this third year. We had fun staying inside all by ourselves, but we did miss the crowd, the food, and the overall excitement of the last football game.