What made it worse was looking through Justin's photo album. When he got his new phone he had all his photos and videos stored back on. Every picture and video since she arrived on this earth. I had forgotten some of the sounds and movements she made. Some of the videos showed her doing "nothing" because we were trying to capture "something". Like the first time she smiled we would just put the camera on her and try over and over to get her to make a big grin. Or when she started to speak her little cooing language we would try to get it on camera. Most of the time she wouldn't do it, but we kept the videos anyway. I have forgotten those "first" moments and it fills me with sadness. At least I have my videos to look back on. But in my heart, it is not enough. I want to live it everyday all over again. I want to be able to go back to that time whenever I want. I want to pull that memory out of my mind and have it take me back to that place. I want to be able to feel her, smell her, and kiss her when she was 2 hours old, 2 days old, 2 weeks old.....
The first year is so dramatic. The growth and changes go so quickly that all you can do is keep up and go along with the motions. There isn't always time to look back except when you have occasions like this. Sitting here having the last year flash before me, I find I am having a hard time accepting that I have a toddler now. From one to two years old seems just as dramatic. I see my friend's two year old and he is talking in conversation, potty trained, playing with electronics, feeding himself with utensils, and sleeping in a big boy bed. Things that I am not ready for! Sometimes I would say to my mom, "I can't wait for Isla to do this..." And she would always respond saying "Don't wish for that, it will come too soon and you will regret wanting her to grow up so fast." Her words are painfully true... it went too fast.
The only thing that consoles me is that we are expecting another baby this December and I will have the joy of going through it all over again. It will never be the same as my Isla, but it will be just as special for my new little peanut in its own way. I can see why people want to keep having children. You just want to keep having those beautiful moments. It is such a treasure, but does it ever get easier? Does your first child buffer the emotions for the second child? What about when you are "done" having children and it's your last? Is that the biggest heartache? Is it worse than the first? I guess I will have to learn...
My mom would cry at every occasion. Birthdays, graduations, baptisms, everything! And now I completely understand why! The emotions from your children growing up make such an impact on your heart! It's a bittersweet feeling. It never goes away at any age. I'm happy that my daughter had a healthy, fun first year. I look forward to seeing her grow. My only wish would be that time slowed down so I can enjoy her even more fully. I pray God keeps me strong as I see many bittersweet moments laid out before me carrying with them those motherly emotions. :)
